I came across this question on Reddit:
How many of you out there use dating apps but don’t actually talk to your matches? I’ve been on tinder for 2 years and haven’t met up with a single person. I only really talk to girls if they message me first, which is very rare, and even then I sometimes can’t bring myself to respond because I’m afraid they’ll unmatch straight away which will just reinforce my insecurities that I’m boring, insecure and can’t hold a conversation. It sucks! Anybody else out there having this issue??
Dating is showing vulnerability
Dating can be scary AF because you are literally putting yourself out there for another person to see. Whether it’s a dating app or a real life date: you are very conscious of being judged by a person that you might like so if they reject you it hurts a lot more.
Going out on a limb
Regardless of whether you’re a guy or a girl: sending a message first is scary. What if you don’t get anything back? What if something unmatches you? It’s a very personal business.
So sending a message and waiting for a reply takes courage. If you’re the one that’s sending the message then you have to do most of the work.
Alternatively, if you get a message make sure you always reply! Getting a reply is like a mini-compliment to the person who sent you a message. They are not getting ignored, which might be on the things that they might fear. Even if you decline to meet them; reply. If you don’t then you don’t reward somebody for their courage to show vulnerability in reaching out in the first place.
They might unmatch!
Yes, this might happen. And so what? If they, based on your reply or message think that you’re not a match then this is a good thing. This means that you won’t have to have an awkward date with them. That can save both of you an unhappy experience.
Again, keep in mind that the other person is probably just as uncomfortable as you are, so them unmatching might simply be their nerves (or their social anxiety/awkwardness!) kicking in and calling the whole thing off.
But hey, if you’re matched and they send you a message first then you’re already way ahead!
What unmatching says about you
Unmatching is exactly that: not being a match. It just says that the other person thinks that you might not get along as well as either/both of you hope.
It says NOTHING about what sort of person you are. Your brain will be eager to jump to conclusions and your inner critic will be on point.
“See? You’re too ugly!” – wrong. If that was it they wouldn’t have matched and messaged in the first place
“See? You can’t hold a conversation” – wrong. Holding a conversation is something very different from sending a message or two in an online app. An unmatch doesn’t mean that you can’t hold a conversation.
“See? You’re boring!” – wrong. The other person might have different interests than you, and that’s fine. It doesn’t say that you’re boring.
Whenever you get an unmatch look only at what’s before you. What does their message say, if anything? Don’t jump to any conclusions, as much as your inner critic wants you to.
Keep at it
Dating through dating apps or websites can take a while before you get a match. You might get hurt, you might get rejected and you will probably feel very vulnerable.
But who knows? Maybe you’ll meet that person who is perfect for you. It would be a waste if you gave up on that perfect connection because of imperfect matches, so keep at it!